Tribute to Girlfriends

Last week, my e-friend posted a blog discussing her concerns about a lack of ‘forever friendships’ in her life. Well, I am blessed enough to consider myself somewhat of an expert in the field of female friendships, so I was compelled to comment on the subject. But as you know, I tend to ramble on a bit when I’m particularly motivated, so here is the link to her original post, and what follows is the extended version of my comment…

Ah, the bonds between women…the complexity is what makes female friendships both magical and maddening. When done right, the love between friends is unconditional, but that doesn’t mean our relationships don’t come with a bit of envy, judgment, and expectation on the side. But what makes a friendship last? Well, not all of them do. And that’s okay. As my e-friend said, friendships come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And lifetime friendships are few and far between. If you have any at all, you should consider yourself lucky. I certainly do. When I think about the friendships in my life, I know that I have been blessed beyond any expectation. But now is not the time to gush about the love I feel for my girlfriends. No, right now I’m more interested in what makes a forever friendship work. Because a friendship usually begins as a result of shared circumstances – school, work, a shared hobby, a similar lifestyle – but circumstances change; so what makes a friendship last beyond the dorm, or the kids’ playgroup, or the apartment complex, or the restaurant gig?

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I’ve decided that what makes a friendship last is a sincere appreciation for one another; it’s a true admiration for who that person is, no matter what else is going on in your lives. You may choose different paths for your lives, but you maintain a respect, a true fondness, for that person, and the love you feel instills a need to maintain contact – maybe not every week or even every month – but you are bonded to each other, and nothing can change that.

In a forever friendship, both parties understand that sometimes you will be closer and feel more connected than others, and it may not always be at the times you’d expect. Lifetime friends know each other, really know each other, and can cope with the fact that you screen your calls during Grey’s Anatomy or that she never remembers birthdays or that you simply don’t ‘do’ baby showers. A forever friendship shouldn’t feel like work. Like any relationship, it takes effort, but it shouldn’t mean you are constantly apologizing or feeling bad about your decisions. The tides of friendships ebb and flow, and sometimes you feel distant, but then the tides can turn and you find yourselves closer than ever.

One of my oldest and dearest friendships began when I was five years old. But then, when we were eleven or twelve, she took back my half of our ‘Best Friends’ necklace. I was hurt, yes, devastated even, but something told me it wasn’t over. We were connected. And despite the traumatic ‘break-up,’ I was certain that the separation was simply one phase of our relationship. I felt confident that whether she knew it or not, we were forever friends. No necklace could change that.

And it didn’t.

We weren’t as close as we had been, but we remained a part of each other’s lives, and shortly before her high school graduation, she very symbolically returned my half of the necklace. A few years later, I stood beside her at her wedding. Then, it was me who drifted away. First to New York…then to London. But I came back, searching for my forever friend. Needing her always, but particularly at the big events. Marriage. Deaths. Births.

Now, our friendship continues to go through phases, but through it all, she remains one of the people I love most in this world. Our connection is based in the knowledge that she knows me, accepts me, loves me; and when I need her, really need her, she will be there for me, just like I will be there for her. No questions asked. That fact I know for certain, and that is what a forever friendship is. That’s what I think anyway.

And on that long-winded note, I will close with a poem from a book I gave my forever friend at her high school graduation. She recently transcribed it for me in an email…

Yes, we’re that cheesy. And yes, I totally love it.

"With My Love As Of Old"

The roads we chose diverged so little at the setting out
and seemed so nearly side by side!

A little while we spoke across the way,
then waved our hands and then. . .

The hills between, life's other voices and the nights,
The silences. . .

Old friend, no new friend takes your place.
With me as well
The hours and days flow by and lengthen into years,

But I do not forget. And not a thought that you have had of me --
Whether you wrote or spoke it, or, more like,
Just thought of me and let it go at that --
But it came winging through the silences!

Wherever you are, across the distance I give you my hand,
With my love as of old.

by John Palmer Gavit

And now, to wrap up the love-fest, please enjoy this video tribute to my girlfriends (though not all of them are pictured here)!