Frequent Flyer

Here I am – headed home again.

I’m desperate to see my family and friends…so why am I crying at the airport? This isn’t the leg of the journey where I usually shed my tears. As I stand in the security line – alone – I tell myself that this is ridiculous. Surely I can handle eleven days without my husband, right? And yet, waiting to board the plane, I feel somehow incomplete. Everything is a bit surreal. I feel off balance without him beside me.

My sudden awareness of the void created by Roger’s absence has me wondering exactly when and how this happened to me. It certainly wasn’t an immediate consequence of the words “I do.” No, this mutual dependence (and his water filled eyes as we said our goodbyes confirmed that these feelings are mutual) has been a gradual process – born out of six years of eating, drinking, sleeping, traveling, laughing, crying, and fighting together. These feelings are natural, I suppose, but this void inside of me is slightly terrifying. Have I become too dependent on Roger?

And yet, there is another void inside of me too. The void that is driving me to head home for the second time in less than ten months. I’m dying to see my friends, my mom and my sister, and yet I can’t help but feel a bit silly, returning so soon. Those closest to me assure me that it’s fine, and yet I 'm afraid this makes me a wimp. In the first five years of our marriage, Roger and I visited his family in South Africa twice. He went home two times in five years, and I’ve gone home two times in ten months! Is this another instance of me being too dependent? Am I too dependent on my friends and family?

Is it any wonder I feel like an emotional train wreck so much of the time? The things I need to feel whole – 1) Roger and 2) my family and friends – are on opposite sides of the planet! I know this won’t always be the case and yet until then, how do I reconcile this tug of war with my emotions? Obviously, my husband is first and foremost in my heart and mind, but I can’t deny the void in my life where daily contact with my family and friends once was.

I’m overdramatic. At this point, you should take that as a given. But my heightened experience of my emotions is precisely why this tug of war is so gut wrenching. Of course, tug of war implies that I’m being pulled by outside forces, but this is an internal battle. It’s a desire to be in several places at once. I know that eventually Roger and I will move back home, but even then I’m afraid the problem won’t be resolved completely. Because the longer I live in South Africa, the more I rely on my family and friends there. So, I know that when I move home there will be a new void in my heart created by Gary and Laurel’s absence. I know my heart will ache to see Connor and Dale.

To love and be loved is scary. When you do it right, it makes you extremely vulnerable. I’m blessed to have amazing people in my life. And I’m thankful to be able to put myself out there and let those people in, but the whole experience can be heartbreaking….to love so many people and never have them all in one place.

But maybe that’s not the point. Maybe the real blessing is having people to love all over the globe. And no matter where I go on this planet, I will find people who love me.

I think I can live with that…as long as I have frequent flyer miles anyway.